Babysitting

We haven't used much of it since there was never a need for it. K has been under care of my parents or our neighbors who also have a little girl, so she was always well entertained, and Len and I never left her with anyone for too long.

Yesterday I had a meeting at one of the schools I'm working at, and they provided free child care. I was glad since it's good for K to interact with other kids (and by staying home with me, she doesn't get much of it), and I was actually able to attend the meeting.

When I dropped her off with the babysitter and two other kids, she was shy at first, but the babysitter did a good job involving her in some games, so I had a chance to sneak out. And while fighting the tears, I had to remind myself that K was going to have fun and would get a chance to play with others.

The whole meeting was a blur. I tried to focus as much as I could, but my thoughts kept going another direction. At one point one of the teachers had to leave and another one had to go with her to show her where the babysitter was. When the person came back, I tried to make eye contact to see if she saw Klaudia and if she was doing OK. But there was no eye contact, so I figured everything must have been fine. It was confirmed at the end of the meeting: "Kate when I went upstairs, Klaudia was playing so nicely. She is the only one in the group who doesn't talk, so she just smiles at everyone."

As soon as I could I said good bye to everyone and went to pick up my angel. I felt so proud... she didn't cause any trouble, she just smiled. As I walked with a big smile on my face, I could see the classroom where the babysitter stayed with the kids. I peeked through the window, and that's when my heart dropped. K was sitting on the babysitter's lap and was crying her eyes out. I could not open that door and get to her fast enough.  As I held her in my arms, I could feel how shaken she was.  I could feel her heart beat and her whole body calming down.  She stopped crying right when I picked her up, but she didn't leave my arms until we got to the car (it took 45 minutes since I had to make some copies and pick up some papers from the office).  The babysitter said that she simply started crying 5 minutes prior to my arrival, and that she must have been tired.  I on the other hand, just wanted to scream "What happened to my baby?" but instead held it together and with saying: "thank you for your help today" left the room.  (I ended up leaving my meeting stuff in the room and had to come back to pick it up; that's another reason why I didn't get to my car earlier).  

Any person watching the whole thing would say:  "Nothing happened, the baby was just crying for 5 minutes".  What I saw was an angel traumatized by being left alone for over 2 hours.  And even though I know we'll need to use babysitting services at one point, I know that I won't let it happen for a long time.